you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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