I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
