I am puke
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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