I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
