drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
