sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There's always time for handjobs
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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