I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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