yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
