I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
