She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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