I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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