Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
