I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
