my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
