she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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