I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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