just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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