Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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