So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
