I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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