She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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