you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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