one word: firstdatebathroomanal
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i will never coherently bang her
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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