I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
