After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
