Where is the hickey?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
