Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's like God shit irony all over that family
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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