I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
