Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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