he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
