I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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