Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
