erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
