If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
