i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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