Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
