I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
