I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
