bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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