She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
