I want to make a zoo with you.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
