He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
