I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
