Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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