i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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