I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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