Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Damn victory sex feels great
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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