She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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