3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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