Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Don't make out with my wife yet
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize