I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
