I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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