i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
