when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
