I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
