I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
