I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
