what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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