some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Randomize
