i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
