Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
