They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
someone owes me an orgasm
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
